Jen’s story is a testament to the potential for neurodivergent kids to achieve self-regulation. She started out with co-regulation and that led to her son’s growing ability to soothe himself. Read on to learn what parenting skills she used in supporting her child.
My Orchid son Max, now 13, is a complicated kid. He’s both joyful and rigid– definitely uniquely wired. Since 2021, he’s been going to the same adaptive outdoor adventure camp for a few weeks each summer. The camp pairs him with a dedicated 1:1 counselor to help him navigate an inclusive camp group that does activities like canoeing, zip-lining, tubing and swimming in the Potomac River. Every year, Max has fun, and also struggles–often a lot. Over the years, however, he learned to achieve self-regulation.
Co-regulation comes first
On the very first day of camp last summer, I got a call from the staff informing me that Max had kicked and hit his counselor after becoming frustrated while canoeing. They put him on the phone with me, and together, we talked through what happened. I helped him calm down and problem solve. I reminded him of strategies he could use. He was able to return to the group. Just two days later, he called me again, this time from his counselor’s phone. He was yelling and crying, upset about one of the camp rules. I listened, validated how hard it felt for him, and helped him identify options. Once again, he was able to return to a more regulated state. This kind of co-regulation–helping Max calm down through connection–happened many times over the past few summers at camp. Patience with co-regulation would eventually pay off with self-regulation.
Self-regulation in action
This year, Max went back to the same camp for two weeks. He had a brand new group of kids, a long morning bus ride full of energetic little (and loud) kids, and a new 1:1 counselor to lean on for support. There were still bumpy moments. One day he got upset about a new tubing rule and chose not to participate, yelling and crying along the way. Another day, a different rule triggered frustration and big feelings again. But this year was different: on both days, Max was able to calm himself down. He used some of the strategies he knew (deep breaths, drink of water, counting, etc.) and found other activities to do, and ended up having a great rest of the day. The most amazing part? He never called me. Not once. He was able to figure out self-regulation strategies to solve for the challenges and find his way back to calm all on his own.
Co-regulation lays down a positive pattern
Max used to call me as a strategy. It was his way of borrowing my calm. That’s co-regulation in action. By connecting with me when he was upset and melting down, he was able to soothe his nervous system and climb out of his dysregulated state. As those experiences relying on me to co-regulate began to accumulate in his brain, he slowly learned how to self-regulate. Dr. Mona Delahooke, one of our North Stars at Raising Orchid Kids, explains how essential co-regulation is, especially for neurodivergent children whose nervous systems are particularly sensitive. Co-regulation doesn’t just help them recover in the moment. It lays the groundwork for long-term self-regulation. Let me say that again: Co-regulation teaches kids how to self-regulate. When we validate our children’s feelings and model calming strategies, their brains start to learn those self-regulation tools. They begin to internalize what it feels like to move from dysregulation back to calm and how to get there.
Codependence is part of brain development
This is a concept that can confound many parents, who worry that soothing our kids too much will make them wholly dependent on us and prevent them from learning to cope on their own. On the surface, it sounds logical. But it couldn’t be further from the truth. Brains learn through repeated experiences. Supporting, soothing and helping our children manage the big feelings in the moment is what teaches their brains how to handle those challenging moments on their own down the road. This turns self-regulation into a habit. When I stepped back to reflect on his two weeks of camp and the growth I witnessed, I called Gabriele and exclaimed, “Mona Delahooke was right!”
More instances of self-regulation
I saw it happen again a week later. I had to leave for an appointment, and my husband had to take Max, his older brother, and the dog out of the house while a realtor came in to show it. Realtor visits always seem to create tension, so the boys started bickering. My husband, who was already on edge, got frustrated, and Max quickly became dysregulated. He shouted, “I need space!” and ran off, past the ice cream shop they were headed to, and into a nearby building where he likes to ride the elevators. From the elevator, he called my husband to tell him where he was. Once he’d calmed down, he returned on his own and apologized for yelling. And again—he didn’t call me. He knew what he needed, because he had internalized the solution that he needed space and distraction. He found something enjoyable to soothe himself. He came back regulated and reflective. That’s self-regulation.
Trust the process
It’s easy to fall into the fear spiral: that by helping our kids via co-regulation now, we’re setting them up to rely on us forever. But that fear is entirely misguided. As Elsa from Frozen reminds us: Let. It. Go. Know and understand that we’re building the foundation their nervous systems need to learn how to soothe themselves. I’ve seen it with my own eyes: co-regulation leads to self-regulation. It’s real and it works, folks! If this resonates with you—or brings up questions—we’d love to hear from you. Drop a comment or reply to this post. We love hearing your thoughts, because we’re all in this beautiful and challenging world together.
PS Our fall Practical Strategies Class and Parenting Orchid Teens Support Group dates are on the website and registration is open! Join us!
Photo by Will Dutton on Unsplash