Here’s a situation one of our Raising Orchid Kids members brought to a recent Q&A meeting:
Their Orchid Kid had a full-blown meltdown because she wanted to set up her new tent in her bedroom. That night.
It was already bedtime. The setup was complicated. Neither parent had the bandwidth for a multi-step tent project at 9 p.m.
In the past, their child’s meltdown over an issue like this would have completely fried both parents’ nervous systems. Extreme frustration, yelling and maybe even some door slamming might have followed.
And as anyone raising an Orchid Kid knows, that only makes things worse.
What They Did Differently
This time, neither parent flipped out.
They calmly validated that their child really wanted to set up the tent that night, and (not “but”) it would need to happen tomorrow because it was a complicated and time-consuming task and it was bedtime.
When she insisted she couldn’t sleep in her room without the tent set up, they offered her another place in the house to sleep.
They took deep breaths, and managed to stay calm and on message.
She still yelled, cried, and said a whole bunch of mean things.
But they expected the meltdown. Expecting that turned out to really help.
Because they had done the investigative work to understand their Orchid’s triggers, they knew: when she really wants something now and can’t have it, her nervous system gets flooded. The big feelings overwhelm her, and she simply doesn’t yet have the skills to stay regulated amid that level of frustration.
So they didn’t jump on the emotional rollercoaster with her. Instead, they stayed nearby, kept her safe, and let her know it was okay to be upset.
The tent would be set up tomorrow.
Eventually, she agreed to fall asleep in the alternate location. And in the middle of the night, she crept back up to her room and slept in her bed. The next day, a friend came over and, with some parent guidance, the two of them put the tent together. It ended up being a fun project and the whole meltdown incident felt like water under the bridge.
This is no small feat.
Why This Is So Hard
It is HARD not to match our kids’ intensity. It takes a LOT of work to overcome that instinct.
Our brains are wired to mirror the behavior and emotional intensity of the people around us, especially that of the people we love. These “mirror neurons” (which we discuss in depth in our Practical Strategies class) push us to match the emotional level of those in the room beside us. This was useful when we were nomadic cultures facing existential threats, like lions, but less useful when it’s just our kids struggling with their big feelings.
As adults with fully formed prefrontal cortexes, we can override that “mirror neuron” instinct.
But it takes practice. A lot of practice.
As Mona Delahooke describes it, we need a sturdy “platform” (aka nervous system) to withstand our kids’ stormy moments. That platform doesn’t build itself.
It requires doing the detective work to anticipate our Orchids’ triggers and understand their behavior patterns. It also requires us doing what we can to charge our own batteries whenever possible, ideally by building in regulation practices before we need them.
And sometimes, between work and the swirl of the world, it’s just not possible.
That’s okay.
We all lose it sometimes (parent coaches included!), so cut yourself some slack. What matters most is repair.
Big Feelings Are Not the Problem
Our kids, Orchid and non-Orchid alike, are allowed to have big feelings.
Big feelings are not a problem. Everyone has them, and if they don’t, they are either an actual robot or have learned to suppress those feelings in unhealthy ways.
By staying calm (or calmer) and steady, and not hopping on the emotional rollercoaster, we help our kids return to a more regulated state faster than if we escalate alongside them.
One strategy that might be helpful is “name it to tame it,” a phrase coined by Dan Siegel. It works particularly well alongside validation. When we validate our child’s big feelings, it helps them feel seen and supported, which reduces stress. And big behaviors are inherently stress responses.
It can sound like this:
“I know you really, really want to build that tent and sleep in it tonight. I totally get it. I know it feels really frustrating.”
Later, outside of the meltdown, is when we can brainstorm strategies and teach skills. We can help them identify the things that soothe them when their nervous system starts to fray and work together to help create systems to remind them of those strategies in the moment.
Because during a meltdown your child cannot learn. Their thinking brain is fully offline.
In those moments, your job is simple (though not easy):
- Keep your platform as sturdy as possible: find small moments in your day when you can do simple “battery” recharging things, like 5 deep breaths, to help keep your nervous system as regulated as possible.
- Use fewer words: when they are in a meltdown, they can’t attend to lots of words, and on the flip side, lots of language can feel triggering for many kids.
- Let their mirror neurons borrow your calm: this is coregulation at its core.
For When You Struggle to Stay Calm
This takes work and practice. No one gets it right every time (even Jen and Gabriele get pushed over the edge sometimes…).
When you yell or escalate or jump on the emotional rollercoaster, working to repair is what matters.
It can sound like this:
“I didn’t like how I yelled when you were upset earlier. I’m sorry I yelled. I know that didn’t help you feel calmer.”
Repair builds trust, and trust is key for our kids to feel safe. It also models accountability and normalizes making mistakes, which is key for growth. Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, repair strengthens our connection with our child. Hugging it out usually helps.
All Behavior Is Information
If staying calm feels hard in heated moments, know that’s normal. Observe and note when that tends to happen most, and notice when it’s hardest. Does it happen most when you’re exhausted? Feeling “disrespected”? Feeling already overloaded?
Our own behavior is information, too, if we’re willing to look at it that way.
What are your thoughts on all this? What gets in the way for you when your Orchid is melting down? What strategies help you most? Least?
Let us know by replying to us here. We’d love to hear from you!
Warmly,
Jen & Gabriele