Boundaries always seem to come up in conversation. We’ve been hearing lots of talk lately about how, as parents of Orchid Kids, many of us are struggling to figure out how to set, maintain and occasionally stretch boundaries and limits for our kids and for ourselves.
One parent in our current Raising Orchid Kids Practical Strategies class wrote:
Sometimes it seems like I don’t know how to incorporate the things that my kid loves without getting stuck. I’ll give him 5 minutes of snuggles at bedtime and instead of him being calm and ready for me to leave it’s like he gets MORE worked up when I get up to go because the thing he loves is stopping. It almost seems like instead of being soothing or rewarding for him to get the loved thing, it is causing more stress to stop it than it would if he just didn’t get it at all. It also causes me to feel really distressed and a little bitter as a parent because I’m devoting time to doing stuff he loves and connecting with him, and now I feel like it is backfiring.
Another parent noted:
I’m struggling to hold/practice the concept of having boundaries and yet not ‘making’ my kid do things she feels she can’t do at the same time.
Setting and maintaining boundaries for both our Orchids and ourselves as parents is HARD work. And, of course, as Glennon Doyle reminds us on the regular: We Can Do Hard Things. As parents of Orchid kids, we know this, but sometimes we just need the right hacks and strategies to make those hard things a wee bit easier.
Boundaries are good for everyone
Setting and upholding boundaries can be met with resistance but ultimately help everyone involved. Boundaries are tools for teaching Orchid kids about limits and “perspective taking” (aka empathy) and tools for keeping everyone’s nervous systems as regulated (aka calm) as possible.
Setting boundaries not only supports your child’s needs but also ensures that you’re prioritizing your own well-being. If you’ve ever taken a Raising Orchid Kids class, you know how important it is to prioritize your own nervous system (aka “well-being”) in order to show up as the best parent you can be.
Six tips for healthy boundaries
Here are some thoughts on how to set and maintain healthy boundaries with your Orchid (and non-Orchid!) kid and why it matters.
1. Be a detective
Observe and note your child’s needs, challenges, strengths and preferences.
Start by looking deeply into what your Orchid child needs to feel regulated, what things trigger big feelings, what things they dislike but tolerate (usually to please you or another adult), as well as those things they love and hate (which will often result in either a regulated or entirely dysregulated state). Once we better understand our Orchids’ brains and the way they respond to stimuli in the world, the better we can identify the boundaries we need to set (the “what”) and the most effective and compassionate way to explain and set those boundaries (the “how”).
Setting boundaries is not about controlling behavior—remember that we cannot control our kids’ behavior; we can only influence it by working to set them up for success and helping them process it afterwards to set them up to avoid and manage dysregulation. Setting boundaries is all about providing structure and predictability, which so many Orchid kids crave and need to stay regulated and thrive, even if they push back against it.
2. Reframe performance inconsistency for greater ease
Remember that performance inconsistency is real for Orchid Kids.
Performance inconsistency is incredibly common among Orchid kids. That is, the state of their nervous systems will vary day to day, and sometimes moment to moment, and they may not actually be able to do that thing they did yesterday, or an hour ago, because they are too dysregulated or simply unable in that moment. Many of us perceive our Orchid kids’ refusal to do something they have done before as a “won’t,” but more often than not, it’s a “can’t,” and their brains are just too overloaded or overwhelmed to do that thing in that particular moment. It doesn’t mean they won’t be able to do it tomorrow or even in an hour, but right now it’s just not gonna happen.
The reality of performance inconsistency necessitates that we will sometimes need our “boundaries” to be flexible, identifying the places we can let go or let out some slack on the reins when needed. Try to think about this ahead of time as much as you can – doing the detective work and understanding the triggers and times of day when your child’s nervous system is simply fried and in need of a recharge will really help identify when it is a “can’t” (which is likely most of the time), and when the boundary can stretch a bit.
You can even identify that directly for your Orchid by saying something like, “it looks like your brain is having a hard time with _____ right now, so I can help you with it today. Maybe tomorrow your brain will feel ready to do it.”
Using language like that validates them in their current state, communicating that you see them and see they are having a hard time in that moment and that you’ve got their back. It also begins to teach into metacognition, which is the understanding of one’s own brain and thinking, which is key for them to move toward effective self-advocacy.
3. See boundaries as a tool for safety and stability
Boundaries help with much needed structure.
Boundaries create structure and stability. When Orchid kids feel overwhelmed, overstimulated, anxious, or just overall dysregulated, boundaries communicate a sense of predictability and clarity, which can help their brains and bodies feel safe. Boundaries can include clear, consistent expectations for things like:
Daily routines
Predictable schedules help reduce anxiety and create a sense of security. Predictability can be like magic sauce for many Orchid kids.
Emotional boundaries
You can help your Orchid understand where certain behaviors are socially acceptable and where we can work to identify alternatives. Helping them identify strategies to both notice and express their emotions in healthy ways can help build their self-regulation skills.
Physical boundaries
Respecting sensory needs and personal space—giving our Orchids strategies and structures for taking breaks, moving their body when needed, accessing a quiet space, and/or avoiding overwhelming environments can also help them advocate for their needs; similarly, respecting others’ physical boundaries and respecting others’ bodies are important for building “perspective taking” skills.
By setting boundaries thoughtfully, we give our kids the tools to better understand and attune to their environment and navigate it with more ease and calm.
4. Explain boundaries with compassion
Practice with tools to learn what works best for you and your child.
This is again where we need to come back to our Orchid detective work–know how much and what kind of language they will understand; know if they will benefit from visuals, like visual schedules, charts or social narratives (similar to Social Stories), to support their understanding of and ability to adhere to the boundaries; and, know when is the best time to explain the boundaries (hint: only when they are calm and regulated). Overall, approach boundary-setting with empathy, patience, and clarity.
Here are some strategies:
Be clear and consistent
Make sure your child understands the boundary, and the why. Simple, direct language is helpful. And, especially for younger kids, the less language the better. Simple and accessible is the way to go.
Use visual aids
As noted above, visual schedules, charts or social narratives can help remind them of expectations and boundaries, if they respond to visuals.
Remind them of the boundary beforehand
Before starting an activity that will require a boundary (like screen time, or time at the park), remind them of the boundary/expectation beforehand, and remind them of how you will notify them when it’s time to shift.
Validate their feelings
If upholding a boundary causes pushback, validate your child’s emotions. You can say, “I totally get it that you’re upset about stopping _____. That’s hard. And, we need to take a break now, because it’s time to do _____.” Notice we avoid saying, “but,” because it negates the thing just said before. Whenever you can, especially when validating emotions, replace your “buts” with “ands.”
Expect that they will push back, because many of our Orchids have “interest-based nervous systems” and will care more about the thing they’re interested in than most anything else in that particular moment. If we can expect that, we can stay calm and be prepared to calmly validate their feelings while still holding the boundary.
5. Set your own boundaries
Pay attention to your own nervous system.
As a parent of an Orchid kiddo, becoming overwhelmed can feel par for the course, especially when your child’s needs are constant and intense. Truly, we cannot emphasize how important it is to tend to your own nervous system.
Self-care is not a luxury; it’s a necessity. That doesn’t mean you need to somehow find the time and funds to get weekly massages. It can be as simple as just taking a moment to recognize how your brain and body are feeling, and identifying a few things to help reset when overwhelm takes over. Setting boundaries for yourself is crucial to avoiding burnout and to showing up in the best possible way for your family.
Here are some strategies for you:
Check in with yourself
Work to stop and notice what’s happening with your body and brain at intervals throughout the day. Just that moment to check in can really feel like self-care. Try to carve out even just a little bit of time in your day for any activity that replenishes you, no matter how small. It could be a walk, a moment outside, taking 5 deep breaths, talking to a friend, putting on headphones and listening to your favorite song for 2 minutes, etc.
Ask for help
Reach out to support groups (or come to a Raising Orchid Kids class or Support Group!), therapists, or family members who can help you in any way, shape or form.
Know your limits
Give yourself grace. We are all human, and we all need a break sometimes. If you have a parenting partner, set up a system with them to tag out when you need a break, so they can step in if needed. We had one couple who came to our Practical Strategies class who noted that their newly created tag-out system felt like it was helping their marriage tremendously!
Model recognizing your nervous system boundaries for your kid(s)
If you have a child who interprets your personal boundary setting as a withholding of love or a personal affront, find a calm moment to talk to them about how there are certain times when your brain feels overloaded and needs a break. You can share that you’re working to take care of your brain’s and body’s needs in order to be able to be the best parent you can be. Remind them how much you love them and love things like nighttime snuggles, if that’s the boundary issue that is causing stress, and that your brain loves 5 minutes of snuggles and then your body starts to feel overwhelmed. For those kinds of boundaries, you can set a timer or whatever will help with holding the boundary.
Think outside the box
You can come up with creative strategies and workarounds. For example, offer to add a 5-minute morning snuggle alongside the evening snuggle to give them extra while holding your 5-minute snuggle boundary. Or, like we do for our kids, we can recognize that there may be times when our nervous systems are more and less regulated, so you can say something like, “I’m excited for our nighttime snuggle, and I just want to let you know that I had a really long day and my body is really tired, so tonight let’s do 3 minutes, and tomorrow morning I’ll add the extra 2 minutes onto our next snuggle.”
6. Find the sweet spot between flexibility and structure
Pivoting is absolutely essential for boundaries.
Consistency is important, and at the same time, we need to be nimble to meet our Orchids’ needs in the moment. Our Orchid kids’ nervous systems fluctuate widely, which can present as unpredictable needs and performance inconsistency, as discussed above. Remember to pay attention for the moments that you’ll need to adjust your boundaries to accommodate these fluctuations. This could mean that for today we will be late for school, dinner won’t be eaten at the table for tonight or this afternoon we won’t be going to the birthday party we RSVP’d yes to. And, that is all okay. As Elsa says, let it go.
Balancing Orchids’ need for structure with the ability and space to pivot when necessary can be hard, yet incredibly helpful. Letting go at the right and necessary moments helps everyone’s nervous systems. As parents, we can lose the frustration about trying to get a currently rounded peg into the square hole, and our kids feel seen and validated.
While leaving yourself open to having flexible boundaries might be seen as being inconsistent, it’s not. It’s a way of recognizing and adapting to your child’s current emotional and sensory state (the state of their nervous system), while modeling that we can build in a “Plan B” for when things start going sideways.
Setting, maintaining and adapting boundaries
It’s all about providing love and security.
For our Orchid kids, who often just struggle to BE in this world not built for the way their brains move through it, setting, maintaining and adapting boundaries when needed provides love, support, and a meaningful sense of security.
Boundaries can help your Orchid better understand the world around them, can give them the structure to better regulate their emotions and nervous system, and help them find ways to interact with others in more predictable and meaningful ways. When we set those boundaries for ourselves as parents, we protect our own well-being and care for our own nervous systems, which sets ourselves up to have the energy and resilience to support the myriad challenges our Orchids throw our way.
Let us know how this landed for you, and if you have any specific questions about setting, maintaining or adapting boundaries in your family! Contact us here. We’d love to hear from you.
While we are midstream in our current session of our Raising Orchid Kids Practical Strategies class (aka our “Core Course”), we’ve opened registration for the next session, which starts April 3! Registration and more details are here.