Are you parenting siblings with different needs? In many ways, it’s just like gardening. Parenting and gardening are relatively close cousins. Each child we are tasked to raise is a lot like a unique plant we need to care for—some bloom easily, some take a bit longer to sprout, and others grow in unexpected and often beautiful ways that challenge the usual gardening rules.
When one of our “plants” needs much more tending than the others, we draw out our gardening A game. We adjust whatever needs to shift. We get down in the dirt with all the tools. We fertilize. We research. We find the right corner of the garden where that plant can thrive. But while we’re doing all this, we may suddenly realize we haven’t been tending to the other less complicated plants that also need water and sunlight.
This is one of the real struggles of parenting siblings when one child’s needs are more urgent, constant, and/or visible. The good news is that there are strategies to nurture the whole garden, even when the care isn’t perfectly even.
Parenting siblings of every garden variety
Here at Raising Orchid Kids, we love a good flower metaphor, clearly! We strive to help parents see their “Orchid” kids as nascent flowers that can blossom beautifully with the right environment, supports and tending. But what about our “Dandelion” or “Daisy” or “Tulip” kids? While what they need might look very different, the non-Orchid siblings in our garden need tending, too. We all know this, and yet when you’re managing plants (or kids) with very different needs, you may feel all gardened out by the time your Orchid has been properly watered, fed and taken care of.
We get it. We live it. There are some key thought shifts and practical strategies you can implement that can help all the flowers in your garden bloom feel cared for. Here are five tips for parenting siblings from the gardening world:
1. Remember that needs can vary with the seasons
Some flowers bloom early and often, while others have later and fewer blossoms. Some plants need regular care, while others need more sporadic tending. One might struggle to sprout after a long winter, while another shoots up like a Crocus in March heralding the first signs of spring. Our kids similarly have varying needs across the school year and summer, and there may be times when even our Orchid kids can hum along without intensive support. When we can pay attention to the ebb and flow of our Orchid and non-Orchid kids’ needs, we can better predict when those intensive support times surface, and ensure that we are as well-resourced as we can be for when that time emerges.
It’s important to remember that unequal attention does not mean unequal love. We may need to share that concept overtly with our kids because the important concept that “fair does not always mean equal” is key for all our kids to understand. There are times when one child just needs more—just as in a garden, where one plant might sustain damage from a storm and need care to recover while others are left unharmed. That said, it helps everyone to occasionally stop, notice and validate your kids (and plants) who are less in need of intensive support.
You can say things like: “Right now, your brother is having a hard time and needs a little more help. And I see you too, and know that can feel hard. I know your needs matter too.”
2. Parenting siblings so everyone gets some sunlight
If you’re parenting siblings, make conscious time—even small moments—for your non-Orchid child(ren). A 10-minute walk, a bedtime chat, a comment on what you noticed about their artwork, or a shared inside joke can go a long way. These moments don’t have to be grand gestures–they just have to be theirs. Spread your sunshine around, even if you’re feeling partly cloudy at times.
It can be hard when our non-Orchid kids feel like they’re always in the shade. We know they are building daily memories of what it feels like to grow up alongside a sibling who needs more. We want to prevent negative memories that may haunt them. We can do that by finding ways to give them memories of feeling valued, even if the spotlight isn’t always on them.
3. Teach them about root difference
It’s hard for non-Orchid siblings to understand what goes on underneath the surface of their Orchid sibling’s behavior. If you’ve participated in our Raising Orchid Kids Core Course, you know about the behavior iceberg, reminding us that so much of what is informing our Orchids’ behavior is happening below the surface. This is important for non-Orchid siblings to understand, and might also give them insight into what’s going on under the surface in their own brain.
Talk openly about neurodiversity casually and often. Explain, in age-appropriate and accessible terms, why their sibling’s brain might react differently to something than theirs or why their brain and/or body may need extra support. Kids can handle more than we think—especially when we trust them with honesty and empathy. Also, let these be a series of short, casual conversations and let the understanding grow with time. Also acknowledge that these differences can feel frustrating or hard to accept for siblings.
You can say things like: Your sibling’s brain has a hard time with ______. We’re working on it together, and it might take some time. I know that can feel frustrating; it’s okay to feel annoyed or frustrated.
5. Tend to yourself, too
We can’t water with an empty watering can. If you feel like you’re constantly contorting yourself to meet the needs of your Orchid and other kiddos and ignoring your own needs, the whole garden (or family) suffers. Take breaks. Ask for help. Find the time to tend to your own nervous system in order to best show up to support the other nervous systems in your family who depend on you. Setting some time to rest or find a way to reset, even if just for a few moments, is key to filling your own cup–er, watering can–so you have the strength to weather the storms.
Parenting siblings with a gardener’s touch
Gardens, like life, grow imperfectly and often unpredictably. There are some parts of the garden that will thrive and other parts that lack the natural sunlight or soil nutrients to thrive without some extra care and support. There will be weeds, harsh weather, and days you question if any of your fertilizer strategies are working. That’s all to be expected. Step back when you can to admire what’s blooming and growing and going well (which is a sneaky technique to help take care of your own nervous system), and then look at what could use some attention and support.
Ideally, our Orchid and non-Orchid kids alike feel like they’re an integral part of an interconnected family, even when the sun isn’t always shining on them.
If you have other topics you’d like us to discuss in future blog posts or in a workshop, please contact us and let us know! Wishing for you all a full watering can and lots of sunshine, and a balanced nervous system to weather the inevitable stormy days!
Photo by OPPO Find X5 Pro on Unsplash