When kids hit the tween years, they start reaching for independence with both hands. Which is exactly what they’re supposed to do. It’s part of the job description. This is true for Orchids and non-Orchids alike.
Unfortunately, this is also the moment when many of us parents feel an almost magnetic pull toward control.
Also normal.
After all, tweens and Orchids (and Orchid tweens!) are not exactly famous for their pristine judgment. Their decision-making abilities are still under construction. There’s scaffolding everywhere. Wet cement. An orange cone or two. And yet, the only way kids learn how to make good decisions is by making decisions.
There was a stretch in my own parenting life when I realized I was saying “no” to pretty much everything my kids asked me.
Can I go here? No.
Can I do that? No.
Can I have this? No.
It wasn’t because I was clear and confident. Quite the opposite. I was saying no because I was uncomfortable. Because I needed more time and didn’t know how to take it. “No” became my stall tactic.
The problem? My kids found that strategy absolutely infuriating.
Which, honestly? Fair.
One day I spotted the pattern and thought: ohhhhhh. This is not creating wise, thoughtful, independent humans. This is creating a house full of frustrated people and a whole lot of “mother may I” energy.
So I changed the script. (Actually, it was my husband who proposed the change, but for narrative purposes, let’s continue this way)
Instead of having my kids ask, “Mom, can I…?” I asked them to try this instead:
“Mom, what are your thoughts about…?”
Cue the angels.
That one tiny language shift changed the whole feel of our conversations.
Why? Because “Can I?” is a pressure cooker. It sounds like a yes-or-no question, and it demands an immediate verdict. Suddenly I’m the gatekeeper, the judge, the Supreme Court of snacks, sleepovers and social plans.
But “What are your thoughts about…?” opens a door.
It gives me room to think. It lets me weigh the pros and cons out loud. It helps me move from reflex to reflection. And because the conversation feels open instead of oppositional, my kids are much more likely to share their thinking too.
We’re in a discussion instead of a tug-of-war.
That matters a lot in the tween years. Because the goal is not to raise a child who is excellent at asking permission forever. The goal is to raise a person who can think, evaluate, speak up, listen, and make decisions with increasing independence.
That doesn’t mean everything becomes a yes. Absolutely not. Boundaries still matter. Parents still parent. But collaboration tends to go down a lot better than instant shutdown.
If you want to try this at home, here are two simple steps:
First, teach the new script when no one is upset. Bring it up at breakfast or in the car and say, “Hey, I’m trying something new. Instead of asking me ‘Can I…?,’ try asking, ‘What are your thoughts about…?’ so we can actually talk things through. I’ll remind you if you forget so that we can both practice.”
Second, buy yourself some thinking time on purpose. When your child uses the new language, respond with something like: “Here are my first thoughts. Let me think about it a little more and we’ll circle back.” That pause is not a cop-out. It’s modeling thoughtful decision-making, which is exactly what we want them to learn.
Sometimes the biggest shifts in family life are not dramatic. They’re linguistic and relational. They take the heat out of the moment and make room for everybody’s brain to come back online. And if you know our work, by now you know: getting people’s brains online (and keeping them there) is everything we’re about.
Try this phrase at home and let us know what you think!
XO J/G