The simple act of listening to kids doesn’t have to be so hard. Here’s a story from our parenting coach Jen about what happened when she didn’t listen to her son. Keep reading to learn from her lesson.
Listening to kids for better outcomes
My 12-year old Orchid son, Max, somewhat recently started sharing an interest in playing with friends outside of school. I was thrilled, because his lack of interest had been a background worry for me, and I was patiently (sooooo patiently) waiting for him to show interest.
Last year, we arranged some play dates with a boy at school he seemed to enjoy hanging out with (including Max’s first ever drop off pool play date!) that were relatively successful. So, we decided to invite his friend to come with us to see an exhibit Max had seen and loved at the Museum of Natural History.
When the Saturday morning of the museum outing arrived, Max said to me, “I don’t think I want Andy to come with us today.” When I asked him why, he replied that he just didn’t feel like he wanted to be with him that day. Had I been able to rewind and replay that day, I would have listened to him.
But of course, I didn’t do that. Listening to kids wasn’t my priority!
When he asked to cancel the outing with his friend, my brain went right to the worry that we would disappoint the friend and the friend’s mom, and that it would put the budding friendship at risk. I encouraged him to just push through it and that it would all be fine. He agreed reluctantly. The friend arrived at our house and we went to the museum. It was crowded. Very crowded. I could see Max’s rigidity amp up, but he insisted that we go in.
Needless to say, things went south pretty quickly. He got overwhelmed by the crowds and started lashing out at his friend, saying some really unkind things like, “I wish Andy wasn’t here right now.” His friend, also autistic like Max, was remarkably understanding. He said things like “Max is just having a hard time!” But I could see that it was making his friend feel very understandably upset.
Not listening to kids has consequences
While nothing dramatically bad happened that day,once back at school, that friend no longer showed any interest in playing or spending time with Max. I understood. But Max struggled to understand why, and when we learned that a month later the friend had a birthday party and Max was not invited, it all ended up being a hard but important lesson for Max in natural consequences.
In retrospect, had I just practiced listening to Max that day, we could have avoided a painful situation and more effectively nurtured a budding friendship. I pushed him to follow through on being with his friend, because I thought it would save and help grow his friendship, but because I didn’t listen and pay attention to what he was saying, I ended up doing the exact opposite.
With my tail between my legs, I learned from my mistake. Not listening to kids can lead to relationship blocks. These days, I pay close attention when Max pushes back on things. I’ve learned to see that behavior as important information he is trying to share. Our kids’ behavior is an amazing source of information.
Four takeaways for improved listening
Our job as parents is to interpret and synthesize the information embedded in our kids’ challenging behavior to help understand their particular limits and triggers; conversely, we can also examine when things are going well and interpret and synthesize that data to understand what may be helping support their nervous system’s state of regulation.
1. Model behaviors at home
If we want them to learn how to advocate for what they need at school or in the world, then we need to model that at home. Max was trying to advocate for his needs that fated Saturday, and the behavior and state of dysregulation that resulted from my not listening to what he told me explicitly was a big “I told you so!” It was an important, if painful, lesson for me to learn.
2. Be really flexible
It’s hard to loosen our grip on what we desperately want for our Orchids, and to extend and alter our timelines for how and when they will hit the milestones and do the things and show the interest in what we imagine for them. And, as Glennon Doyle tells us, we can do hard things.
3. Slow down and let go
We can start by slowing down to really practice listening to kids. We can work to soften or slow down our own agendas for the way our Orchids move through and experience the world. We can get curious, rather than judgy (SO much easier said than done!), about the choices our Orchids make and the desires and interests they have. Letting go of our timelines and agendas to give our Orchid kids the time and space they need can be incredibly fruitful.
4. We all want to be heard
Slowing our timelines, really listening to our kids and getting curious allows us to more fully see the child we’ve been tasked to raise. It helps us honor their brain and the way it prefers to move through the world. When Orchids–and all kids, and humans, for that matter–feel seen and honored, they feel more regulated, more confident and more competent. And when our Orchids are feeling all of those things, everyone in the family feels happier!
That said …
You can still challenge your kid while listening
That’s not to say we can’t offer our Orchids a “just right challenge,” so we’re not just dropping all attempts to help teach our kids skills they will need in the world. It’s Both/And.
What would a “just right challange” look like? Here are some pointers:
- Honor where they are.
- Slow down to listen to your Orchid.
- Pay attention to what they’re telling you, verbally and non-verbally.
Let us know what you think – and if you’ve had any relatable experiences, please share them with us!
We help families find strategies like these to help make life with Orchid Kids go SO much more smoothly in our Practical Strategies Class. Our next session starts on April 3! Click here to register.
Photo by Jason Rosewell on Unsplash