Letting your neurodivergent child explore the world can be a scary but welcome challenge.
About a month ago, I faced a parenting challenge. I took my 12-year old Orchid son, Max, on a much coveted (by him) elevator adventure as I had promised him. However, I was still nursing a foot injury and couldn’t walk as much as he wanted. And frankly, I was just not quite as enthusiastic as he was about elevators. Not for lack of trying. My brain just does not get fired up about the ups and downs of elevator life like his does.
I knew this adventure might go sideways if we didn’t work out the kinks in advance – if you’ve come to any Raising Orchid Kids class, you know how important those antecedent interventions can be. So, before we left for the adventure, we came up with a plan to try to meet everyone’s needs. He would take his Gizmo watch, which allows him to make and receive calls, and I would sit on the bench outside of the Safeway listening to a podcast (Gabriele’s, obviously…) while he sojourned on his quest for the perfect elevator adventure. We made a plan that he would call me in 10 minutes and check in.
I did worry. I worried that he would do inappropriate things, like try out stairwells that locked him out or ask people with fobs to the private apartment section to let him ride with them and put people in an uncomfortable situation, with them wondering where his adult was. But I kept my worries in check, because my gut told me that he was able to do this on his own, have fun and feel competent. Max has an incredible ability to “geolocate” – he has an infinitely better sense of direction than I do!
He ended up calling me every 5 minutes, with updates like, “Mom! I’m on the 5th floor and this is a Kone elevator! I saw 3 offices and guess what? One used Futura on its signs!” [For those not in the know, Futura is a font, and Max loves fonts almost as much as elevators.]
Letting go of the leash, or at least giving him a lot more slack, ended up being an excellent idea. As far as I know, he did not do anything grossly inappropriate, he loved his solo adventure and came away feeling energized and with his metaphorical cup filled.
How the “Just Right Challenge” works
Letting go is hard for any parent. And then when you layer on the concerns of parenting an Orchid kid, it becomes exponentially more complicated. In our classes, Gabriele and I often talk about finding the “Just Right Challenge” (JRC) for your Orchid. Finding the JRC is important because:
* It gives Orchid kids the right level of challenge to grow, without stressing their nervous systems;
* It empowers them and provides a sense of competence, which ALL kids crave and need to feel good in the world;
* It creates connection with you by communicating that you trust them and believe in them
* It’s key for helping Orchid kids find ways to be independent safely.
Going beyond plan A to face a challenge incrementally
All that said, it’s key to practice and rehearse any situation that might go sideways, and help them come up with what to do if said sideways event occurs. Orchid kids often struggle with anything other than Plan A. We, as adults with fully formed prefrontal cortexes, know that sometimes we need to have a Plan B, or even a C or D.
When we are planning for a time to let go of or loosen the reins we hold tightly to keep our kids safe, we need to ensure that our kids are prepared, and that we clearly explain what a possible Plan B (and possibly also C and D) might look like. When I took Max on that elevator adventure that day, we discussed which elevators he would ride, which floors he would visit and worked out the timing of when he would connect with me to let me know he was okay and where he was.
Loosening the reins takes small, incremental steps with Orchids and sometimes we realize a step we’ve created is too small or too large, and we adjust in concert with our Orchid.
It can feel scary, so know your Orchid’s developmental readiness by paying close attention and noticing what they’re good at and what they struggle with. Find a challenge that will make them feel empowered and competent, while also keeping safety in mind. And remember that success begets success, feeling competent begets increased competence and confidence begets more confidence, all of which are so important for Orchids, who often struggle just to be in the world.
What have you tried? What are you thinking of trying? Let us know! We’d be happy to workshop any rein-releasing ideas you’re considering!
One Comment