Ableism can feel overwhelming when it’s directed at your Orchid kid. Here’s some ways to cope.
When Max was 5, I took him with me to his older brother’s karate class. Although I knew this might be more than a “just right challenge” for Max, I had promised his brother I’d watch him that day and Max’s sitter had canceled last minute. So, knowing a meltdown was possible, I brought things to keep Max occupied, assembled some snacks to keep his “hangry” at bay, and did what I could to prep him in advance for the 30 minutes of sitting. For those of you who have come through our Core Course, you know all about these kinds of “antecedent interventions” for predictable challenges (more on antecedents below). I did what I could to set him up for success in a challenging situation, but, as many of you Orchid Kid raisers know, things can unravel quickly and that’s when ableism might rear its not so pretty head.
Max began to stim excitedly [more about stims in an upcoming blog post!], and he got a little loud. Okay, maybe a little more than a little. I tried to quiet him down, with limited success, and a dad sitting in the row in front of me turned around and gave me a judgy, sneering, “shush!!” I know you all feel me here as my anger spiked, and a combination of mama bear instincts and utter sadness kicked in. My eyes brimming with tears, I angrily said to the man through gritted teeth, “Sorry, he’s autistic! He can’t help it, so please try compassion next time!” He looked down ashamedly and I could tell he felt bad (which, admittedly, was my misguided goal), and he immediately replied, “Oh, I’m so sorry!” He followed up with that look that people give you when they feel pity for you.
The whole interaction made me feel awful, because I knew he wasn’t just sorry for what he had done, but rather felt bad for me because my son was autistic. I scooped Max up and took him outside to calm my nervous system and not cry in front of him and everyone else there. But I did cry. I felt frustrated at the world. Yes, it is HARD to raise an Orchid kid. And yes, sometimes I wish Max were an easier child to parent. BUT, I love my Orchid kid fiercely and do not want sympathy or pity from parents of neurotypical kids. I want those people who are unknowingly “ableist,” as are so many of us, to just accept and appreciate that people and brains perceive and move through the world in different ways.
If you’re unfamiliar with the term, “ableism” conveys that people with disabilities, whether those disabilities are visible or invisible (diagnoses like autism, ADHD and others can be less apparent disabilities), are innately inferior to nondisabled folks. If you’d like to better understand what ableism is, here is a good article.
Some time after that fateful karate class, I attended a parenting class that gave me a mantra I come back to often:
We do our worst parenting when we’re parenting for other people.
Whenever possible, remember that we are not responsible for other people’s thoughts about our child or our parenting choices. It’s imperative to prioritize what your child needs over what Grandma, or the lady in the line behind you at Target, or the dad at karate class thinks about your parenting and your child’s way of being in the world. Of course, this is much more easily said than done. But it is possible to move away from “parenting for others” and navigate the feelings that arise for you in making the shift.
As the holidays approach in this upcoming week, ableism may come into play. Family gatherings can be places where judgment or perceived judgment loom large. Here are some strategies for dealing with both the family members who might have some strong, and likely ableist, opinions about how to “deal with” your Orchid (or non-Orchid!) child, and the “parenting expert” strangers we encounter.
1. Parent the child who is in front of you
Parenting is challenging, and parenting an Orchid Kid can be exponentially more challenging. Because raising children is an age-old trade, it often comes with unsolicited advice and judgments from others. Whether it’s your own parent, a friend, or a complete stranger, it can feel frustrating, anger-inducing (see karate story above) and demoralizing when others question or criticize the way we raise our children. Effectively dealing with ableism and these judgy judges requires a balance of confidence, compassion, and boundaries.
Your Orchid will rarely benefit from the same strategies and structures that work well for neurotypical kids. So, it’s critically important to find the particular strategies, structures and supports that help set up your particular Orchid Kid for success. In other words, work to meet the needs of the child you’ve been tasked to raise, not the child you imagined you’d have, the one you maybe hoped you’d have or the one people around you want you to have. If all this feels frustrating and upsetting, that is valid, and you are fully allowed to have your feelings about the challenges of raising an Orchid Kid. Welcome your feelings in, feel them, then work to reset your nervous system and go back and take care of that beautiful child in front of you.
2. Evaluate the source and check their ableism
Parenting choices are influenced by many factors—cultural beliefs, personal values, family upbringing and other personal experiences. So, when someone judges your parenting, remind yourself that they are likely projecting their own experiences or opinions, which may not apply to your family.
Assess the source of the judgment. Who is this Judgy McJudgerson? Is this someone whose opinion you respect and value? Is their judgment based on knowledge or experience? Do they have meaningful experience with Orchid kids? Sometimes, judgment comes from a place of genuine concern and usually good intentions; other times, it can come from lack of understanding about neurodivergence and/or outdated beliefs. They may be coming from an unwitting ableist mindset, with the misguided notion that your neurodivergent child can become more neurotypical if you only did x, y and z.
If you are willing, you can see this as an opportunity to squash ableism and teach them a bit about neurodivergence and brain science. If that feels like too much, that’s okay too. When the judges are family members, there are often other layers of things going on, so assess the particulars of the situation and of your extended family dynamics before reacting.
3. Work the antecedents to deal with ableism
Set boundaries and expectations for everyone beforehand. Setting boundaries when it comes to unsolicited advice or judgment can be the magic sauce in neutralizing the uninvited judges/advisors. We at Raising Orchid Kids give you a permission slip to say something like, “Thanks for your concern. I’ve got this. The parenting choices I’m making are designed to help [child’s name] regulate his/her/their nervous system.” You don’t have to justify or explain your choices in detail. You can maintain boundaries while still being respectful and compassionate.
Even better, set these boundaries up in advance whenever you can. When it comes to Orchids or to life in general, it’s always easier to set things up to go well in advance than to repair once things have gone south. In our Practical Strategies Course, we don’t even talk about consequences until class 7, because focusing on the “antecedents,” what we can do ahead of time to set our Orchid Kids up for success for predictable challenges, is always the best return on investment. Similarly, we can set everyone involved (including the likely judgy folks) up for success by previewing and setting expectations and boundaries ahead of time, so no one is surprised by your Orchid’s needs, choices and behavior.
Here are some things you might say: “[child’s name] always needs time to acclimate to a new environment and social setting, so just know that they will likely not greet anyone when we first come in, so you are welcome to say hello, but please don’t expect them to reply or hug you when we first come in.” Or, “I just want you to know that when [child’s name] gets overwhelmed, which can happen with all the stuff going on during the holidays, he will need to take a break, so he’ll leave the room and go into a quiet room and stay there until his brain and body feel regulated again. Thanks for understanding.” You don’t have to apologize or go into detail. Make it clear what may happen very matter-of-factly—short and sweet and non-negotiable is the way to go.
4. Validate everyone’s feelings
Remember that most adults, like kids, do well when they can (thank you, Ross Greene). If we truly want to make the world around us more accepting of our Orchid kids and the different ways they move through the world, we need to validate others’ perspectives and then promptly teach them about how your Orchid’s nervous system reacts to stimuli in the world, and that your Orchid’s brain is wired differently than those of their neurotypical peers. When we share this from a place of compassion for those who simply don’t understand the nuance of how neurodivergent brains perceive and respond to the world, we are more likely to help them understand and start to move the needle.
You can say something like, “I know it feels disappointing that [child’s name] did not want to hug you. She feels overwhelmed when there are so many people she hasn’t seen in a while, and she needs to be the one who decides when she’s ready. I appreciate your understanding.”
5. Take care of your own nervous system
At Raising Orchid Kids, we always say that our number one parenting tip for parents of Orchids and non-Orchids alike is to remain calm and regulated: when your child is melting down; when others are judging your parenting; when your child pushes your buttons; when siblings get into it with each other.
For the record, this is impossible to do all the time. We are all human and err on the regular. As parents of Orchid Kids, taking care of our own nervous system is the key to staying regulated and calm so we can show up to parent our challenging kiddos and respond to the judgy folks in the best possible way. Taking care of our own nervous systems means ensuring that we are finding ways to take care of our own needs–whether that means just stepping outside for 2 minutes, going to the bathroom to regroup, or making a plan to get to your favorite yoga class.
6. Own your Orchid parenting journey
Parenting Orchids is a lifelong journey filled with ups, downs, twists, turns and an occasional implosion. We all make mistakes, learn along the way, and adjust our approach as needed. This is especially true with Orchids. It takes a LOT of tweaking to find your parenting groove as an Orchid Kid raiser. If you’ve read down this far, first of all, pat yourself on the back for your patience, and secondly, know you are working really hard to learn how to find the path to help your Orchid Kid thrive, regardless of what those who may judge or criticize your decisions may think. Own your choices and stand firm in them, knowing that you’re taking the best care that you can of the Orchid Kid in front of you.
Like it or not, it is somewhat incumbent upon us to compassionately teach those around us to understand and accept our kids’ differences. While I did not do that so well in the karate studio that day, that interaction brought up a lot of feelings for me that I had to step back and examine concerning ableism. If I could rewind and replay that event, I would have validated the dad’s irritation at Max, because Max was being louder than was expected in that environment. Then, I would have calmly and compassionately explained that Max’s autism was driving his behavior and that he had not yet mastered the skills of modulating his volume. While I’m still working on doing this more consistently, now that Max is 12 and is still working on volume modulation, I aim for validation, patience and teaching them how to be more accepting when others look at him sideways or make uninformed comments.
There will always be people who judge and critique our parenting choices, but we get to choose how we receive those comments. And, most importantly, we get to choose how we parent our Orchid Kids. As we move into the holidays and lots of family time, set yourself up for success by having some responses at the ready when confronting ableism, like when Great Aunt Myrtle comments on your Orchid’s behavior or refusal to hug them or participate in ALL the events. Stay confident, set your boundaries, validate the disappointment or confusion others may feel as the result of your Orchid’s behavior, and focus on taking care of your Orchid’s nervous system by taking care of your own.
We wish you a wonderful and judgment-lite holiday season and a very happy new year. If you enjoyed these tips concerning ableism and could use more (judgment-free!) support in raising your Orchid child, we have our next Practical Strategies Core Course starting on January 23 and our Parenting Orchid Teens Support Group starting February 7.
Photo by Monica Hudec on Unsplash