We parents always know what’s best for our kids.
Right?
Right???
We’re programmed as grownups, and especially as parents of Orchid kids who may need extra support in a world not built for the way their brains move through it, to believe that it’s our job to lead and make the Right Choices. If our kids don’t learn the Right Choices now, how will they ever become Responsible Adults?
But when it comes to Orchid Kids, that logic doesn’t always hold.
While we often assume our kids need more guardrails and guidance, many Orchid Kids are actually far more in tune with their own needs than we give them credit for.
When Jen’s Orchid son told her he wasn’t up for a playdate we’d scheduled a week earlier, because he just wasn’t in the mood, things would have turned out so much better if she had listened. Instead, she pushed it, worried that he needed more opportunities to build friendships with classmates. It backfired. Big time. He became dysregulated, was mean to his friend, and effectively ended that budding relationship. In hindsight, the lesson was painfully clear: listening to him might have preserved that budding friendship.
At a recent Raising Orchid Kids member meeting, one mom shared that after gently insisting her child attend school despite days of intense resistance, her child eventually ended up in burnout. She explained that once she began truly listening to what her Orchid’s brain could handle—and honoring those limits—things shifted noticeably at home. There was less pushback, less drama, and more ease overall.
Another Raising Orchid Kids family shared their worry about upsetting the extended family and insisted on bringing their Orchid to a family event at Grandma’s house, despite strong protests. Predictably, their child had a major meltdown about thirty minutes in, forcing an early exit. They felt frustrated and embarrassed, and later realized they had missed key information about what was going on underneath their child’s resistance in the first place.
When “Right” Isn’t Right for This Kid
When we slow down and really listen to our Orchid Kids, we often gain valuable insights. The challenge is that those insights don’t always align with what our own brains want. Or with what society tells us is “right.”
Going to school is good for kids, right?
Right??
Not if the particular school environment keeps our Orchid Kids in a constant state of dysregulation.
Honoring commitments like playdates is important, right?
Right??
Not if our Orchids are telling us they don’t have the mental or emotional bandwidth, especially when social interactions might feel genuinely exhausting for them.
Showing up for family events matters, right?
Right??
Not if it sends our Orchid’s nervous system completely over the edge.
For many of us, especially those of us parents with neurotypical brains, it can be incredibly hard to set aside social norms and expectations when our Orchid Kids need something different. Sometimes they can meet those expectations, and sometimes they can’t. The tricky (and vulnerable) part is trusting that they know the difference.
Performance Inconsistency Is Real
“Performance inconsistency” is part of being human, but this is especially common for Orchid Kids. Their nervous systems fluctuate, from day to day, hour to hour, even moment to moment. A child who could do something yesterday (or earlier today) may truly be truly unable to do it right now.
We often interpret this as a “won’t,” when more often it’s a “can’t.” Their brains may simply be overloaded or overwhelmed at that moment. That doesn’t mean the skill is gone forever. It just means right now isn’t the moment.
This reality requires flexibility from the adults in an Orchid Kid’s world. It means identifying where we can loosen the reins and allow boundaries to bend when needed. Sometimes that sounds like saying:
“It looks like your brain is having a hard time with ___ right now, so I can help you with it today. Maybe tomorrow your brain will feel ready.”
Language like this validates their current experience. It communicates, I see you. I believe you. I’ve got your back. It also gently builds metacognition, helping them understand their own brains, which is essential for developing self-advocacy over time. We want our Orchids to be able to advocate for what they need when they notice their nervous system start to unravel. Listening and really hearing them when they need something different from what is expected is the way to help them start to build those skills.
Just as importantly, it tells our kids that we trust them and view them as competent. That trust becomes the foundation for confidence and independence.
Honoring the Child in Front of Us
If we want our Orchid Kids to grow skills and move toward independence, we have to start by honoring what they’re telling us about what their brain and body need in a given moment, all while accepting that those needs may shift from week to week, day to day, or even hour to hour.
When we’re willing to step outside rigid social expectations and really see the child in front of us, we save both our kids and ourselves a tremendous amount of stress and heartache.
This work is an art, rather than a science. Sometimes our kids can rise to what autism advocate Temple Grandin calls a “loving push,” and sometimes they can’t. The “Just Right Challenge” fluctuates for Orchid Kids, and the sooner we accept that, the more peaceful, affirming, and connected our homes can become.
Xo Gabriele & Jen
Let us know what you think about this and if you need support, reach out to us.